Bullies are those office mates or others in our lives who are controlling, manipulative, demanding and harsh; they come on strong and burdensome. You probably know a bully when you feel one pressing down on you even through the phone or in an e-mail. Often they use terse language, a harsh dismissive tone, and do not express themselves clearly. As soon as they open their mouth to you, you are caught off guard and confused. You may not even know what the issue is but you get a sense from this person that somehow you are wrong about whatever it is and you are also quite stupid.
Upsetting and frustrating as this may be, you can flip the situation around and have the bully deferring to you over time. That is because the foundation of bullying behavior is fear. And we all know a foundation built on fear is a foundation built on nothing but sand (and in this case, allot of hot air). This is not a quick or necessarily confrontational approach. It is more a stubborn refusal on your part to let anyone intimidate you or attack your character.
Count down these 4 steps to turning a bully into an ally.
- Take a Deep Breath: The bully is approaching you, or calling you on the phone or an e-mail comes through from him or her, and you can feel your blood pressure rise and your mind start racing. You are literally in fight or flight mode, defensive. BREATHE. Even if you are nervous (and the really seasoned bullies will be able to make you nervous) if you can manage to just take a good breath it will remind you that you are alive and in control of your faculties.
- Be on Your Game: At all times! Someone who is manipulative and controlling feeds off the inconsistencies, mistakes, and weaknesses of other people. As long as you know the situation and have a firm grasp of your own responsibilities, no one can shake you. It is also often true that the person is trying to bully you because deep down they see you as a threat. They know you are smart and savvy and this is scary to them so they try to keep you small. Instead, be as big as you are! Don’t be ashamed that you keep records of everything, know the systems and processes inside and out, and are an intelligent person. Remember this beautiful quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
- Be Patient: These techniques will likely need to be applied three, four, or more times over and over again to bring about lasting change. Bullies often only have one tactic for interacting with people and it’s called “Bulldozer.” Any other way of dealing with people feels vulnerable and frightening to them. To compromise would be to “lose” in their mind and they are constantly trying to prove they are superior both in knowledge and in prestige. Throw them a bone on this one. When confronted about something you can often placate a bully by saying calmly, “I can understand why you think that. Here is my view on the situation . . .” Keep the conversation about the project or issue at hand and never about personal attacks. If the bully tries to get angry with you, simply become even more calm and less engaged. By appearing unruffled you short circuit their attempt to escalate.
- Be Polite and Be Fair: As much as you may feel you despise this bully for making your life miserable and stressful, take the opposite approach with them and treat them as you wish they would treat you. Speak politely to them and always keep the focus on the issue, not the person. Be fair and give them credit where due. Even a bully may sometimes have a good point and extracting their expertise will serve to empower them. Paradoxically, when you honestly compliment or praise a bully when he is right about something, it diffuses some of his need to control.
We teach people how to treat us by being an example. Never attack a person’s character or get involved with name calling, back stabbing, or gossip. This will only weaken you and distract you from what is truly important to you and your own goals. The unfortunate truth is that there will always be bullies on your path as a leader. In fact, the more successful you are the harsher the bullies may become. Think of them as “comrades in disguise” in that by challenging you to be stronger and unwavering, they are actually sharpening your skills in building a healthy relationship with yourself.
I love this one! You are right on.