Whether Maker

It’s raining today.  Don’t let that stop you.  It’s damn cold today, too.  Don’t let that stop you either.  The single difference for you today is “whether” – not weather.  Whether you get up and go or recoil and retreat.  Whether you tackle your latest passionate project or hang sloppily on the internet reading nothing in particular.

Choose your WHETHER.  Make it good for YOU. . . because you are alive and you are leading.

Negativity Fast Part II: Become Your Greatest Asset

The previous blog post focused on Part I of the Negativity Fast: becoming aware of the negative chatter inside your mind.  Do you find your self-defeating talk focuses on sarcasm or insults aimed at other people?  Or does your voice tend to ramble on and on about how you personally lack ability, charm, strength, or good-looks?  Whatever the nature of your self-destructive talk, the fact that you have now acknowledged its voice is the first step to ridding yourself of this major obstacle to success.

The following are ten concepts to help redirect your thinking when you find yourself locked in a negative cycle.  (Remember: you get what you give.  In order for success to come into your life you have to break unhealthy cycles by controlling your output.  Make it positive as often as you can!)

1. Pay attention.  Catch your crippling thought midstream and look at it for what it truly is: an excuse based on nothing but egotistical fears.  Do not let negative thoughts run amuck in your consciousness because their momentum builds on itself.  Pay attention and consciously decide to weed out the ugly stuff.
2. Identify why you are thinking this way – are you avoiding the truth?  Are you looking to place blame on others to avoid being accountable yourself?
3. Follow the fearful thought all the way through to the end.  For example, if you are thinking the worst is inevitable as in, “I blew that interview!  They will never offer me the job now.  I’m doomed.”  Don’t stop there.  Assume the worst; assume you are right.  You did blow it.  You messed up royally and fell flat on your face.  They will not be calling you.  So what now?  Set up another five interviews and keep at it knowing your best has to be yet to come.  You will find work.  The point is that you are not doomed and this is not the end of the world.  Life always goes on.  This too shall pass.
4. Don’t be afraid of success! It is more likely that you are afraid of huge success than of failure because at your core you don’t believe you deserve the best of the best.  Most people are more comfortable being average and fantasizing about their big dreams.  Take the initiative and dare to believe you can achieve great success. Changing your core beliefs to those that encourage and cultivate wealth and success will manifest these things in your life.
5. Realize it is possible that the negative thought is just a simple truth that you are compounding by needlessly berating yourself.  The small seed of some negative thoughts may actually be worth your attention.  If you are constantly beating yourself up for procrastinating on projects maybe it is because you need to address the habit instead of wishing it away or accepting it as permanent.  Look procrastination in the face and figure it out.  It is not the end of the world that you procrastinate; it is the end of your success if you don’t figure it out.
6. Do not run away from your issues – they will only run faster and tackle you from behind.  Turn the spotlight on your fears and more often than not they slink and disappear.  Shed light on the subject with the intention of dispelling what is not working for you; not dwelling on it.
7. Decide to surround yourself with people, TV shows, music, art work, quotes, books, activities and interests that are positive for you.  Gossip is enticing; bad mouthing another manager to make your self seem impressive is cheap and easy.  But what do you truly bring to the table?  If you take the time to contemplate your direction, your interests, and your passions you should have plenty to talk about that is positive and infinitely more interesting to those around you.
8. Listen.  Stop talking.  Quiet your mind.  Really listen to understand another person’s point of view.  Actively listening to another person puts you in the perfect position to: 1) Step out of your own obsessive mind, and 2) realize there are a million more people outside of yourself with issues.  You are not alone; you can help someone else.
9. Don’t take yourself so seriously!  Everybody plays the fool sometimes.  Everybody makes mistakes.  The coolest, strongest, and most influential leaders maintain their composure by allowing themselves to be vulnerable and laugh at themselves.  There is no shame in owning your unique style whether it won you a standing ovation or a pair of skinned knees.
10. Yes, life is a competition and you do need to be on your game.  Whether you are competing with yourself to accomplish the next goal on your agenda or your are trying to beat out all the other candidates for a promotion, don’t kid yourself into thinking destiny will simply swoop in and take care of your success while you sit on the sidelines idly obsessing over your potential (or lack thereof).  The most positive leaders are the true successes because with their positivity comes resilience, confidence, and stamina.  And these are the people who really do win. There is no reason you cannot be one of them!

You can probably think of at least another twenty ways to rid negativity from your daily experience.  These ten acknowledgments are only a sampling of the ways positivity will enhance your success and enrich your leadership style.  Negative self talk will sometimes slip inside the cracks in your consciousness but all it will do is sap your energy and veer you off course.

Focus on your goals and know that positivity is a TOOL and a CHOICE.   Use it!

Negativity Fast Part I: Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy

Early last week I read a fascinating article about a man who had gone on a “Negativity Fast” for 21 days; he consciously gave up all negative thoughts.  See the irony there? He had to try to give up something that would seemingly be a habit no one would want anyway.  The very fact that he had to try to do without something so unhealthy means negative thoughts are either a) treats to us like candy, b) addictive, as in the more we think negatively the more we need to, or c) both of the above.  It would seem we are addicted to defeating ourselves.

Keeping these concepts in mind, I was inspired by the idea and tried the fast myself.  How freeing as a leader it was to give myself permission to expunge all negative thinking!  I was now free of guilt, anger, oppression, defeatism, worry, jealousy and fear of failure.  At long last, the secret to living authentically with strength and self confidence had been revealed to me!  Well, for the first five euphoric seconds anyway.  It took under ten seconds (seconds!) for my old customary negative thinking to return as though the weak dam called “self-discipline” collapsed like a wet plank of cardboard.  Again, my mind went numb and saturated with that stale familiar soak of negativity which up until I had built that measly dam five minutes prior, I had all but blissfully forgotten existed.

As it turns out we are so accustomed to negative thoughts that we actually feed on them in more ways than we realize (until, of course, we try to rid ourselves of them altogether).  In trying to give up negative thoughts, they seem to come ever more fast and furious to the surface.  Sound familiar?:

“I can’t believe I did that.  I am so stupid!  I can never get over it.  I will always ruin opportunities.  Why even try?”

“I wish she would just leave me alone and get off my back!  Yeah, I am sloppy so what?  She’s a pain in the neck. Just like my boss.  Women are always making my life miserable.”

“Are those wrinkles?  Of course they are. I am old and ugly.”

“Another idiot in the office – big surprise.  Why is everyone so incredibly lazy and incompetent?”

Negativity fills in the gaps in our inner monologue when there is nothing positive streaming otherwise.  Almost like nicotine, like a drug, we are actually comforted by these thoughts at first.  After all, if other people are stupid, you conversely think you are not.  If they are the problem, you are off the hook.  If it is all someone else’s fault, you need not be accountable.

The first step in breaking this cycle is to recognize the negative chatter streaming through your consciousness all day long; accept that your mind gets away from you sometimes and that you don’t intentionally mean to be your own worst enemy.  Don’t try to break the whole habit cold-turkey.  Unless you practice focused meditation upwards of 8 hours a day and live on a mountaintop the full year though, you will be far too soaked with negative thoughts to wring yourself completely dry on your first try.  Are you thinking this is not good enough?  Is your ego telling you this isn’t worth your time and you will never be able to rid yourself of negative thinking?  Exactly.  Don’t let negative thinking trick you into negative thinking!  Give it up!

In part II of this series on the Negativity Fast, we will examine healthy ways to rid defeatist thinking from our minds.  But for today, try to acknowledge your negative thoughts and make a mental or physical list of what those thoughts are for you.  Some people are especially prone to sarcasm.  Though a little bit is clever and funny, too much sarcasm may have you thinking other people are inferior to you and this is a terrible quality in a leader.  Some people’s negativity comes from jealousy or the refusal to forgive.  Still others suffer from the never ending thought patterns that tell them that they just will never measure up.  They are not pretty, young, thin, smart, or rich enough.  Ever.

Remember that negativity only fills in where positivity is not yet streaming.  Changing your inner monologue will change your life and your entire leadership style.  Listen to yourself today and get ready to seize greater control.

Please return for Part II of Negativity Fast: Start Being Your Greatest Asset

Why You Should Not Bury Your Talents

There is an ancient parable that talks about what three men did with their respective talents.  In those olden times, “talents” referred to bundles of money whereas today we think of our talents as those things we are especially gifted in performing such as writing, painting, horseback riding, accounting, public speaking, woodworking, playing the piano, listening to others, and so on.  Today when we say “talents” we are talking about the natural gifts we possess to do certain things with specialness.  Call them money or call them gifts, talents and what we do with them matter to every type of investor. . . and to every type of leader.

The parable tells the story of three people who receive talents.  The first man takes his talents into the marketplace and trades them, thereby doubling his money and increasing the value of his talents and those of the people he bargained with.  The second man invests his talents in the public marketplace where he triples his money and enjoys a beautiful life caring for his family, buying fine things and building up the communities around him.  The third man buries his talents in the backyard.  Frightened of losing what little he has, the man hides his talents from everyone including himself.  No one ever stole his talents but the man never got to enjoy them either.  No one ever knew of his great potential wealth because he never shared it.  This man died no richer or poorer than he began.

This story is meant to teach us three valuable lessons as successful leaders.

The first is that leading a life of passion means not only acknowledging that you have special talents or skills but truly developing them for your enjoyment and the inspiration of the community.  When you are in your element, doing what you do best, you are your most honest and unabashed self.  This is important for the world to see!  Human beings are capable of so many incredible feats but we will never know our potential if we do not see it reflected in the people around us.  Be assured there is a reason you want to dance, to sing, to write, or to cycle.  Trust your instincts and push your boundaries.

The second lesson here is a little more subtle but so vital to your success: Invest your talents.  How do you invest your natural gifts?  Simply by practicing them yourself as well as mentoring others who are looking to grow and to learn.  You are a vessel through which others can prosper if you honor your talents in this fruitful way.  I know an extremely talented and passionate writer.  She could write from sun up until sun down, loving the process and creating intricate and lovely pieces.  She is extraordinarily gifted and she is no where close to arrogant.  What she does with her gift, in addition to growing her talent through advanced studies and hard work, is to tutor young people who are struggling in Language Arts.  This woman’s talents are invested in helping others to progress, to develop, to grow.  As she becomes a master, she pulls others up with her.

The final lesson comes from the last man in the story who buries his talents in the ground.  He was so terrified that someone might see them that he hid them even from himself.  What if his talents were embarrassingly small and people laughed at him?  What if his talents made him seem arrogant and people thought he was a show-off?   What if his talents were so measly compared to others’ that it wasn’t even worth sharing his anyway?  Too wracked with feelings of fear, self-consciousness, and guilt he decided it was better to live as though his talents did not exist.  This is the story of a life lived without passion; a life never shared; a self never explored.  This is the story of the tragic waste that comes from fear.

Your unique natural gifts, whatever they may be, are a huge part of the way you lead and the success you will know.  To bury them – to live as though they do not exist within you – is to completely stop and abandon your path to true success and worth.  Do not be ashamed or embarrassed to share the things you are good at doing.  Your talents are what will lead you to greatness!  Think of yourself as a teacher and mentor and allow others to benefit from your skills.  There is nothing more inspiring than to see someone else engaged in what inspires them.  This is not arrogance and it is not a “waste of time.”  This is discovering yourself on your path to excellence.

One more thing to remember: when someone else shares his or her talents with you, know you are being given a unique gift.  As a leader, it is your responsibility to treat this gift as such with great care.  Be respectful, grateful, and engaged.  Leaders know how important it is to multiply the talents shown to them so that the entire team can know succes.

When the Boss Goes Undercover

In response to an America who direly distrusts high powered CEO’s and their repeated shady business activities (with good reason) comes a TV series about the opposite.  CBS’s series Undercover Boss offers some of the most heart-wrenching insight into what it means to be a courageous leader and what it means to be a dedicated, star employee.  But even more gripping, the series sends the core message that life is far bigger than business.

In every episode, the owner (CEO or COO) of a major company goes undercover as an average employee within his or her own organization.  For one week, the chief executive works as a receiving dock worker, a call center operator, a drive thru window operator, a customer service rep, a parts picker, a shipper, a jockey valet, or any number of other front line positions it takes to make their companies hugely successful.  Suddenly, the numbers on the graphs the executives are used to looking at have faces and lives.

What the chief executives quickly discover – much to their surprise – is that these jobs on the front lines are far from easy.  In fact, these jobs are fast paced, stressful, and require mountains of determination to complete well. (One of the CEO’s actually gets fired from his undercover position as a shipping clerk!) As they trip, stutter, and tumble through this eye-opening journey the executives discover super star employees:  The drive thru window worker who focuses completely on his customers and ensures their pleasant and quick service; the cook at a fast food chain restaurant who dreams of creating healthier choices on their menus; the woman who works with precision and skill on the loading dock who is constantly looking for ways to save the company time and money by adjusting and re-adjusting her processes; the cleaning woman who drives 90 minutes to get to work in the middle of the night  These are the unsung, often unnoticed, heroes who make million dollar corporations run.

Clearly the weight of these companies rests on the shoulders of every employee who shows up and gets the job done skillfully, day in and day out.  But how often are these employees ever noticed?  How often are they celebrated?  In every episode of Undercover Boss these employees are hailed as they should be, as the true backbone of their industries.

We are entering a new age in which the truly courageous high-powered executives are no longer comfortable hiding behind their glossy dark wooden desks to make decisions that affect tens of thousands of nameless workers.  Names and faces have to come first before the charts, graphs, and power-point presentations can mean anything.  As intelligent, dedicated and honest leaders these bosses connect with the front lines promising open minds and open hearts.  Because in the end, we are all human beings doing our best to live with passion, dignity and success.

Most clearly articulating the core value of this program is this quote from Bill Carstanjen, COO of Churchill Downs (Thoroughbred racetrack famously home of the Kentucky Derby), as he expresses what you have to be willing to give up in order to be truly open to change.

“It’s got to be personal.  This means you might lose control a little bit.  But it is worth it to get to the truth.”

Undercover Boss is on CBS Sundays at 9pm (8c).  If you have comments or observations on any of the episodes I would love to hear from you.

Asking for More

“In order to become rich your self-worth has to rise along with your net worth – you must feel you deserve to be rich, you must never cast yourself as a victim, you must stop settling or feeling as if you’re just getting by, and you must make the most of what you have.”

-Suze Orman from The Courage to Be Rich

Ask for more of yourself and you will be comfortable asking for more of your clients, your children, your spouse, your manager, your colleagues.  This applies to asking for money as well as asking for support in sharing the responsibilities of running your home or office.

For most of us, this is a difficult equation to balance.  There are some people who ask for the world from others but demand little of themselves to grow or communicate.  Then there are some people who demand the impossible of themselves but ask for little (if any) help from others.  In both cases, the scale is tipped one way or the other and there is no balance.  This severe imbalance creates the tension and stress that weighs on feelings of low self-worth.  Do not become either of these type people.  There is a better way to live that will lead you to increased wealth and success.

Starting today, pay attention to your inner dialogue and to the words you say to other people.  If you think of yourself as a victim you will blame your dissatisfaction with your position in life on the boss, the kids, the break-up, the weather.  You will use the word “can’t” often.  This is the kind of negative self-talk that will keep you in debt and cause your career and life to stagnate.  Start to change your words, though, and you will start to change your life.

There is nothing wrong with asking for more!  Don’t let your ego convince you that you are selfish or greedy for asking for more in your life.  That only serves to keep you small by wracking you with guilt which will surface as anger or depression.  Dare to claim your true self worth.  You are asking to experience more of this fantastic life just as you were designed to do!  Money is part of that and so is responsibility.  You cannot ask for more money but live irresponsibly and expect the universe to take care of the rest.  Be willing to step up and honestly say you are worth more than what you have, that you deserve more, and that you are strong enough to handle more.  Believe in the abundance of the universe!

“People who expect more get more, it’s that simple.” – Suze Orman, The Courage to Be Rich

Keeping Your Enemies Closer: Turning a Bully into an Ally

Bullies are those office mates or others in our lives who are controlling, manipulative, demanding and harsh; they come on strong and burdensome.  You probably know a bully when you feel one pressing down on you even through the phone or in an e-mail.  Often they use terse language, a harsh dismissive tone, and do not express themselves clearly.  As soon as they open their mouth to you, you are caught off guard and confused.  You may not even know what the issue is but you get a sense from this person that somehow you are wrong about whatever it is and you are also quite stupid.

Upsetting and frustrating as this may be, you can flip the situation around and have the bully deferring to you over time.  That is because the foundation of bullying behavior is fear.  And we all know a foundation built on fear is a foundation built on nothing but sand (and in this case, allot of hot air).  This is not a quick or necessarily confrontational approach.  It is more a stubborn refusal on your part to let anyone intimidate you or attack your character.

Count down these 4 steps to turning a bully into an ally.

1. Take a Deep Breath: The bully is approaching you, or calling you on the phone or an e-mail comes through from him or her, and you can feel your blood pressure rise and your mind start racing.  You are literally in fight or flight mode, defensive.  BREATHE.  Even if you are nervous (and the really seasoned bullies will be able to make you nervous) if you can manage to just take a good breath it will remind you that you are alive and in control of your faculties.
2. Be on Your Game: At all times!  Someone who is manipulative and controlling feeds off the inconsistencies, mistakes, and weaknesses of other people.  As long as you know the situation and have a firm grasp of your own responsibilities, no one can shake you.  It is also often true that the person is trying to bully you because deep down they see you as a threat.  They know you are smart and savvy and this is scary to them so they try to keep you small.  Instead, be as big as you are!  Don’t be ashamed that you keep records of everything, know the systems and processes inside and out, and are an intelligent person. Remember this beautiful quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
3. Be Patient: These techniques will likely need to be applied three, four, or more times over and over again to bring about lasting change.  Bullies often only have one tactic for interacting with people and it’s called “Bulldozer.”  Any other way of dealing with people feels vulnerable and frightening to them.  To compromise would be to “lose” in their mind and they are constantly trying to prove they are superior both in knowledge and in prestige.  Throw them a bone on this one.  When confronted about something you can often placate a bully by saying calmly, “I can understand why you think that.  Here is my view on the situation . . .”  Keep the conversation about the project or issue at hand and never about personal attacks.  If the bully tries to get angry with you, simply become even more calm and less engaged.  By appearing unruffled you short circuit their attempt to escalate.
4. Be Polite and Be Fair: As much as you may feel you despise this bully for making your life miserable and stressful, take the opposite approach with them and treat them as you wish they would treat you.  Speak politely to them and always keep the focus on the issue, not the person.  Be fair and give them credit where due.  Even a bully may sometimes have a good point and extracting their expertise will serve to empower them.  Paradoxically, when you honestly compliment or praise a bully when he is right about something, it diffuses some of his need to control.

We teach people how to treat us by being an example.  Never attack a person’s character or get involved with name calling, back stabbing, or gossip.  This will only weaken you and distract you from what is truly important to you and your own goals.  The unfortunate truth is that there will always be bullies on your path as a leader.  In fact, the more successful you are the harsher the bullies may become.  Think of them as “comrades in disguise” in that by challenging you to be stronger and unwavering, they are actually sharpening your skills in building a healthy relationship with yourself.